You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
