I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
