I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize