Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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