Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize