the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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