about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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