I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
