At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I queefed so loud it echoed.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
