i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
