Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
