There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Cover your peen. We're going out.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
