Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
