found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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