i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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