Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
