my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the condom got lost in my hair
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Randomize
