What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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