Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
