Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
