hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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