That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
