loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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