you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
