I puked a lego.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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