It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
