he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
