Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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