Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
