rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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