meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
