FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
