Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
