I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
