today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
