I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize