Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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