dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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