I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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