I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
