You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
