mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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