Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
