I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
