I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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