glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
