i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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