My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
