I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
