My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize