My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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