Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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