Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
