Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
