mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
