I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize