i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
