How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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