Don't EVER smell your tampon
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
