i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize